Have you ever reached that place? That place where you actually feel guilty, ashamed in the presence of the Lord?
This happened to me last night. As I struggled to push through in an atmosphere of worship, I could sense the presence of the Lord moving. I was standing in a room full of worshipers, not able to worship. I felt like a fish out of water. Worship is so part of my DNA that to not worship is foreign to me… but something was off. Like a disturbed rhythm that was trying to catch up with the beat but continually failed. I could not put my finger on it, nor could I locate where the feeling originated from. I tried to frantically search myself and when the first tear fell it threw me off guard. My attempts to control it was successful.
As I stood in that room, it was like a spot light was on my. But not for long, for there He was. About two meters away from me. I knew stood in the presence of Royalty. I had always imagined what I would do if I ever saw my Jesus. With all my heart I wanted to run over to Him, to embrace Him. I wanted to push my face into his garment and let Him love me, but I could not. Something kept me from doing so. This unidentified, nameless guilt stopped me. It completely paralyzed me.
Then He spoke. “If I have to leave the ninety-nine for you again, I will.” By now the tears were uncontrollable. My emotions immediately became a torrent that wanted to sweep me away. “Why?” I deeply cried out. I did not feel worthy of His efforts. And then, knowing my secret, but not hidden thoughts, He asked me the following
“Who has bewitched you?”
The words pierced through my sole. For the more I cried the more my mind was wrestling with finding the answer to His question.
As I was scanning through my mind and the last couple of days. I could see the scenes flashing like a movie that was being re-winded. It stopped at a particular incident. Now I guess, to the man on the street, what I did was probably not so bad. Not even worth the time to mention, but what separated the seemingly innocent from my feelings of guilt was the following. I could still remember a few days prior, I was sitting with my phone to my ear. The outgoing dialing tone softly ringing as I was waiting upon the recipient to answer. I was about to repeat a story I had just heard, to a close friend. Everything I was about to say was factual, but Lord Holy Spirit interrupted my world and told me not to say the words I planned on saying. It was at that exact moment that my call was answered.
I should have just hung up… I know. But I didn’t. My mind had already mapped out and formulated what I wanted to say and soon after my mouth formed and expelled the words. Worst thing was, I completely brushed His instruction aside. I dismissed Him. I grieved my Friend. And without realizing it, the Gentle Dove left me. I now understood why my whole week was filled with arguments and frustration. I felt so out of sync, but failed to see why. It was only when I entered into that place of thick worship that I felt exposed. It was there that I came face to face with my own rebellion.
I immediately knew what my guilt was rooted in. My guilt, now had a name. Meet Witchcraft!
For the Word says,
Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.
I guess through my rebellion it led me to a place of feeling guilty and guilt fostered the feelings of worthlessness. The moment I embraced the truth, I repented. His forgiveness was like a flood gate that opened over me. The Gentle Dove returned as I no longer cared for the tears. For what once leaked from a place of guilt, was now birthed out of a place of thankfulness.