Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

My whole life I have wanted things to be perfect.  A bit of a perfectionist, feeling it was my duty to ensure things were functioning around me.  I don’t like cracks.  I don’t like imperfections.  My nature is to improve and I instinctively want to better situations, even people.  I however remember while I was growing up I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was never good enough.  Yet at the same time and completely contradictory, that I was destined for greatness.

Being young and not aware of how to manage my thoughts, the nagging feeling turned into a voice, a voice that over time became louder and louder in my ears.  As with most lies, if you hear it long enough and often enough, you will soon begin to believe it.  I did not know at the time that I inherited the ability to become the voice I listened to.  Even the smallest mistakes I made distorted the image of who I was and who I was meant to become.  The familiar voice turned into a crowd of voices.  At times they would be silent, but usually not for long, as they usually echoed all my failures and would continually remind me of just how insignificant I was.  The voices however just set things into motion, over time I no longer had need of them.  For a day came when I took ownership of the lies. My own voice, replaced the persistent motto that declared my worthlessness.

Without a doubt the biggest danger in believing a lie, is that you will start to live it.  What you think about and meditate on, will transform your actions and soon they will manifest in your life.

When you think that you are not good enough, it will lead you on a journey of feeling inferior to others.  And as the saying goes, misery loves company, for comparison is soon to follow.  This is nothing more than an unrealistic feeling of inadequacy.  Constant comparisons are made.  Every person you meet is weighed up and put in the balance scale of your distorted standards.  When such a person weighs more it tips the scales and you are left with added feelings of inadequacy, which in return will reiterate your feelings of inferiority.   Sin crouches in the shadows of anyone who feels worthless, ready to pounce at any given moment.  I have come to understand that when your feelings of worth is lowered, your tolerance to sin will soon follow.  This all led to a down ward spiral of chaos.

It was a long and difficult road of accepting myself, even years after I became a born again Christian.  Giving God all of me, while still trying to hold on to my mistakes and guarding my past.  As if it was too big for God to deal with and the embarrassment far too great.

I remember how finding any sense of worth was like trying to climb out a very deep pit.  In the first few years, I was continually wrecked by God’s love for me.  My heart & worth slowly transformed.  His love often times hit me like arrows to my heart.  No matter where I turned, He continued to love me.

Then one day there came a day that I, in return, fell in love with Him.  This great and all-powerful God, this God who was far superior, this awesome star-breathing God of wonders became my beloved and I His.  I was spending all my time with Him, for I wanted nothing more than to please Him.  I can still remember the three things I prayed almost non-stop.  “God, I am happy to just dance in your outer courts” I would say.  “Lord, I am satisfied to eat from the crumbs that fall from your table and I am happy to just sit here at your feet.”  Even though I was mesmerized by his love for me, I still doubted whether I deserved it… and I was grateful for the least.

For a long time that was enough, but in the background God was busy with a restoration work inside of me.  As I allowed Him to love me, I did not even realize it.  One evening as I went to go pray in the study, I felt God telling me that He wanted to wash my feet.  It was too much, I could not say yes. I would not allow Him to do that.  For at the time I honestly did not have an understanding of what He was asking.

Weeks went by before He again asked me the same question, “May I wash your feet?”  Before I could protest again, He followed with these words, “For if you do not let me wash your feet, you cannot have any part in Me.”  “To wash your feet, is to wash away the dust of the past” He said.  That day in my study I allowed the God of the Universe to wash my feet and to wash away the dirt of my former life.

Years would pass, me, still praying the same words.  “God, I just want to dance in the outer-courts.”  “Father, I am happy to eat from the scraps of your table.” And “I will just sit here at your feet.”  Those words were so easy for me to say and the repetition almost automatically.

Every passing year the voices became softer & softer.  Nothing more than a whisper, and even when they managed to speak up, I no longer believed them.  The victory over them amazed me.  For I did not even have to fight them, somehow the more He flooded me with love the less room it left for them.

Then came a day I would never forget.  It was one of those days that remains burned into your mind and that forever changed the direction of my destiny.  I don’t know how often I must have repeated those familiar words to God, but as I entered into a deep place of worship early one morning, God spoke to me.
“For how long are you still going to be satisfied with the outer-courts?” “For today I invite you into the Holy of Holies.” “How much longer will you be satisfied with the crumbs?” “Do you not see the banquet table set before you?” “And for how long will you be satisfied to sit at My feet?” “For today I call you to sit on my lap.”

These words echoed in my spirit.  For the first time I truly understood my worth and His Forgiveness. No longer would the lie have any control over my, forever I was changed.  I could finally say Goodbye to Yesterday.

Niki Hodgson

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