One ordinary evening, the 7th of February 2018, to be exact, minding my own business. Cleaning up after my house hold, kids in bed, lunches packed. I headed for my bedroom. In my mind’s eye, I already pulled back the covers & got into my bed… when God once again interrupted my life and plans of slumber.
“I want you to go pray”, I heard Him say. Unlike my usual murmuring or complaining when tired, I obediently made an immediate U-turn and headed in the opposite direction, away from my inviting bed.
Instead, I headed for my usual couch where I spent the most of my time in prayer. A sun room, that was now, anything but sunny. There, in the faint light of the passage, I felt the urge to kneel. Once down on my knees I realized just how tired I was after my busy day. I didn’t feel like my prayers would avail much, not in my current condition, but I really wanted to please God, so I stayed. I prayed in tongues, but in my mind, I asked God what He could possibly be wanting from me. I could not fathom what use I could be to Him in my exhausted state.
Then the strangest thing happened. This surely was different and a completely new experience for me. For I have had God inspired dreams and I have seen visions, but what happened in that moment was something else. Unlike a vision that seems to formulate in my mind or imagination, this time it was as if my spiritual eyes were opened.
There in front of me, right under my nose, I saw the leg of a huge grey elephant. It was so real that I looked up from where I was kneeling & the rest of his body went up far beyond the roof of our house.
And then it was gone.
God softly whispered, “I now release you, go sleep.”
“What?” I said with a jolt.
How could I possibly go to bed? I no longer felt tired, I was in fact wide awake. I wondered, what this image could mean. Was God trying to tell me that my problems felt like a huge elephant, maybe that I encountered an enormous obstacle? Could this be his way of pointing out the Strong man in my spiritual battle? What?
None of the dream books’ interpretations made any sense to me. Even though I did not understand the meaning, nothing I read came close to explain my experience and I distinctly knew my answer would not come from a book nor that Google would be able to answer, for only God Himself would reveal this vision to me.
But He remained quiet.
For a long time, I pondered the image, and then as life goes, I forgot about it all together.
About two months later I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. Now our conversations are never shorter than a 30min talk about a hundred different topics. Even though we will talk about hair, our homes, and work, we always talk about our journey with God & what He is revealing to us in the season we find ourselves in.
Then out of the blue, I found myself telling her about the experience with the elephant. As my mouth was forming the words, I could not help but think, why on earth I was telling her about it. It felt so out of place and random at the time. I proceeded to tell her how I still had no idea what it meant. Then she asked me if there was not an idiom about an elephant in the room.
Elephant in the room
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia
Elephant in the room is an English-language metaphorical idiom for an obvious problem or risk that no one wants to discuss, or a condition of groupthink that no one wants to challenge. 
It is based on the idea/thought that something as conspicuous as an elephant can appear to be overlooked.
The Wikipedia words really resonated with me, even though the revelation of the meaning stayed unclear.
Again, for days I walked around with this thought in my head. What could this all mean? I continually asked God for the answer. I knew He asked me that night to go & pray and I believed He revealed the elephant. The saying points to an obvious problem, well it all seemed nowhere near obvious to me.
Many different interpretations came to me in the weeks that followed, I even tried to convince myself about some of them, but in my heart, I knew, God would not reveal something to me & then keep it hidden. At the right time He would unravel and disclosure the true meaning.
Then came the 17th of April 2018. A day that marked a triumphant breakdown in my life. After months of praying, fasting, interceding, speaking word, staying positive, forgiving my trespasses, worshipping God, declaring His promises, decreeing and warring. After months of not giving up. I gave up. I finally broke down.
I more than broke down. I shattered.
About 2pm that afternoon I sat in my car in a park, screaming & crying. I threw in the hypothetical towel. I caved in. I reached my optimal low.
I was fighting with God, questioning His promises. Questioning Him. His ‘so-called’ goodness, His biblical character.
I was angry, and I was disappointed.
Then the accusations started. I proceeded to point out in much detail to God just how & where I believed He favoured others more. I accused Him of having favourites amongst His children. The words of Animal Farm by George Orwell. “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” rang in my ears.
Suddenly, at my lowest and darkest moment, God revealed the meaning of the elephant to me. What was the one thing I did not want to admit to myself? What was the conspicuous belief I had? What was the one thing right under my nose that I failed to admit? That one thing, amid all the worship and praise I did or did not believe about God the Father? And there is was. I finally confessed it, God was able, but I doubted whether He was willing.
And then God spoke. “You do not believe that I AM good.”
Listening to the podcast from Johnathan David in talking about his encounter with God while at his lowest. He makes this statement. The root of all evil is the deception that God is not good.
The metaphorical idiom on a page became a reality that shocked my spirit to its core. God was right. I did not believe that He was good.
(Extract from the book I’m busy writing)